Everybody Likes to Secretly Rock Out at Work – Don’t Lie

I’m hosting a zombie* gaming day tomorrow and I basically put off getting groceries and cleaning until this evening because I am that awesome. So after work I was pretty much forced into going for food unless I wanted to try and get all of my cleaning AND shopping done in the same day. Something you should probably know about me – I let gravity do my cleaning for me. In other words there is a lot of shit all over my apartment. To me it looks lived in. To others I would imagine that it looks a bit messy. Like, there are little paths to key areas of the living room level of messy.

But back to food shopping. I had made a list of things I wanted to purchase before leaving work because I hadn’t bothered to do so at home. You know, where the actual recipes are. Luckily I have made the taco dip and lasagna several times before so it was relatively easy to remember all of the ingredients. I had to go through the list a couple of times but eventually I was able to recreate the list of items necessarily to make each food item.

The way my grocery store is laid out puts the refridgerated and frozen items on the furthest wall from the checkout, non-perishables in the middle of the store, and then it ends with the fresh produce closest to the door. What I like to do is start in the back and work my way to the front so that by the time I’m near the door I have everything that I need. I know you’re supposed to get your refridgerated stuff last but whatever – don’t question the method. Trust the method people cuz it works.

Now every time I’m in the refridgerated area I am always peering around the milk and the sour cream for a ‘behind the scenes’ look at what is going on in the stocking area. Today I wasn’t really paying attention to that but was rewarded in spite of my inattentiveness. I had just finished grabbing the shredded cheese for my taco dip and headed over to the sour cream area when I heard the weirdest thing. At first I just thought it was from one of the other shoppers around me. But then I realized that it was some dude in the stocking area singing at the top of his lungs. Understand though that when I say singing I mean saying ‘Yeah yeah yeah’ over and over and over again extremely loudly. The singing was very much reminiscent of when a person really likes a song but doesn’t have a freakin’ clue as to what the lyrics are. So, in order to sing along, they have to just make noises or say random words in time with the beat of the song. I just stood there frozen with a pint of sour cream in my left hand and a smile on my face listening to this guy completely rock out. If only I could have seen him – guaranteed that he would have been head-banging, air-guitaring, totally absorbed in the moment. Nevertheless it was still hilarious. I know that if I think no one is watching and/or around to hear me the singing starts to increase in volume and there may even be some dancing. Maybe. I’m not actually confirming one way or the other. We’ve all done it. Worst thing ever though is when you are in full rock out mode and somebody walks in on you unexpectedly. Awkward!

*zombie gaming day: involves playing Left 4 Dead 2 and Resident Evil 5 whilst eating tons of junk food and drinking tons of soda. 🙂

Why Ben Kingsley, why?!?

Within the last couple of weeks I have developed a sort of sick fascination with the works of Uwe Boll, a German director notorious for making bad movies which are often adaptations of video games. Some examples of his work are House of the Dead, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal. I blame this fascination on the Yeah It’s That Bad guys.

Today for some ungodly reason unbeknowst to me I decided to start watching an Uwe Boll movie marathon. Well, it’s a marathon insomuch as it consists of the movies that I can stream instantly through Netflix. I could go into the whole why-I-only-pay-for-streaming-instead-of-also-movie-discs but I think everyone is pretty much aware of Netflix’s unbelievably stupid business decision to increase their prices. When that whole debacle took place I decided to only purchase movie streaming and haven’t looked back since. But I digress.

For my first Uwe Boll movie of choice this afternoon I decided to watch Bloodrayne which is based on a videogame of the same name. I’m saying marathon but I truly do not know how many movies I will actually make it through before I’ll be forced to give myself a cinematic enema to relieve the horrible pressure of Boll-poisoning.

The opening credits were probably the best part of this movie – let me just say that up front. There were cool snippets of scenes in a nice vampire-y sepia overlay that tried to lure me into thinking that this was going to be a better movie than what the reviews said. Suddenly the name “Ben Kingsley” floated past on the screen. OMG. Until Ben’s name flashed across the screen I had completely forgotten that he was in this movie at which point I promptly screamed “Why Ben Kingsley, why?!?” How somebody of his acting caliber would ever willingly participate in a Boll-tastrophy is beyond me. Now I have to say that when my first reaction to the movie is to scream at the television I knew that I was in for a hell of a ride. All of this happened within the first five minutes of me pushing play on my controller by the way.

I think I could sum up this movie in one word: blood. There was blood everywhere. Spurting blood, gushing blood, fountains of blood all over the place. The people in this movie acted like pressurized balloons filled with blood that at the slightest touch would erupt into a crimson expulsion three feet high. I actually lol’d several times while watching this even though I was by myself in my apartment. Uwe Boll must have used several hundred gallons of fake blood to get this special effects the way that he wanted them.

There was no plot, no discernible story, no character development. There was nothing that made me give two shits about anyone in this movie, human or vampire or Dhampir. I did freak out for a second time though when Meatloaf showed up as a minor vampire lord with a harem of a half dozen naked women all lounging around on a pimp-sized bed. *shudder* So not ok. My mind will never be clean again. Behold what you will never be able to un-see!!

All in all I got what I expected from this movie which was a whole lotta nothing. However, this movie does seem to fall into that magical category of It’s So Bad That It’s Funny and I would recommend that you watch it if you are in need of a good laugh.

Overall grade: D+

P.S. I’m now on the Final Storm and it must truly be something special because I didn’t realize that Luke Perry’s character was named Silas until 20+ minutes into the movie. Clearly I am emotionally invested in his character.